It saddens me to hear one of my twins say “and not Liam?”, or “and not Gregory?” to be reassured they are getting privileged access or a compliment the other isn’t receiving. They are looking to be different, better, privileged from their twin. My answers always fail to address their desperation to be the favored one because I am also concerned with encouraging them equally. I hope to help them realize their own inner differences, but I don’t think I should have to say one is better at something than the other at this early stage of development. That is often what they wish me to do.
As parents we have tried to strike a balance between fairness and recognition. My husband and I have midnight discussions after everyone is in bed, hashing out whether we are executing fairness and recognition fairly and equitably.
I have not read a book that truly addresses this twin issue at the level our twins are experiencing it.